What is normal? Questioning norms to improve wellness and find greater happiness.

Dec 13, 20236 min read

Updated: Oct 4, 2024

In this article I explore the research around some of the expectations we place on ourselves to meet an idea of normal. When we have thoughts around what we ‘should’, ‘ought’ or ‘must’ do we are striving to meet the expectations we place on ourselves, or by others based on what is considered the norm. We then work hard to meet these expectations, and if we fall short, we can experience guilt, shame, and anxiety.

By questioning these norms, we free ourselves from the pressure of meeting external standards and focus on our own goals and values. Bringing improved wellness, more balance and greater happiness to our lives.

Wellness is a wonderful tapestry of the many aspects of our lives, experiencing a shift in any of these aspects can make us feel out of balance, affecting our mood, our thoughts, and our behaviour.

Below, I have questioned one norm from each wellness area. Although this norm may not match every individual's experience, it is a starting point to challenge other expectations we place on ourselves.

Physical Wellness

Should I be walking 10,000 steps a day?

Walking 10,000 steps came about because of a marketing campaign for a Japanese pedometer in the 1960s, it wasn’t based on scientific evidence.

However, there is now the evidence that the more you walk the better your physical health. Research has found that 9800 steps per day is the optimal number of steps, and that having a device that records this is the easiest way to monitor how physically active you are. It has also been found that for every 2000 steps you take a day the benefits compound. Monitoring your steps isn’t the only way to know if you are reaching this steps goal, it has also been found that three 10-minute brisk walks a day will surpass this target, and by increasing the variability in your heart rate there are even greater benefits.

Intellectual Wellness

Will doing puzzles help me boost my brain health and reduce my chances of neurodegenerative diseases?

Over the last few decades, it has been found that not only can individuals improve their cognitive function but with imagery we can see that we build new brain cells and can even influence the rate that this happens. We may have been informed that in later life we should exercise our brains in activities such as crosswords, sudoku or puzzles to reduce cognitive decline, however, research has shown that cognitive decline is not influenced by these activities. The research did show that engaging your mind in problem solving activities throughout your life can place you at a better starting point from which to decline.

It has also been found that the biggest impacts on our brain health comes from diet, toxins, stress, inflammation, poor sleep, and reduced movement. Making small adjustments in any of these areas will improve brain health.

Social and Relational Wellness

People don’t like strangers talking to them, would people dislike me starting a conversation with them?

Talking to strangers make us happier and also improve the stranger’s wellbeing.

Studies find that even when we expect we would like solitude we feel better for having a conversation with a stranger. And even when we predict that stranger would not like us to talk to them, it is found that we boost the wellbeing of that other person for having a conversation.

Environmental Wellness

Should I accept that my circumstances have caused me to feel less happy?

Our circumstances alone do not determine our happiness.

Our environment, where we live and how we live, has a huge impact on our happiness. It has been found that our happiness is impacted by our genetics (50%), our circumstances (10%) but 40% of our happiness is determined by our intentional activities.

What determines happiness - Sonja Lyubomirsky

Spiritual Wellness

Don’t people find spirituality in themselves and therefore shouldn’t I be seeking practices to do by myself?

Spiritual practices needn’t be a solitary practice.

Psychology Today describes five practices that can build spiritual wellness: meditation, awe, forgiveness, compassion, and gratitude. It has also been found that well-being is further improved “when practiced in a community, motivated by a bigger purpose”.

Financial Wellness

Wouldn’t I be happier if my salary were a little bigger?

Sonja Lyubomirsky describes studies that have found that people believe whatever their current salary, a higher salary would bring them greater happiness (specifically, graduates earning $30K thought $50K would be the perfect amount, graduates earning $50K believed they would need $240K to be satisfied).

Lyubomirsky explains that two things are at play here, firstly, hedonic adaptation, the things that make us happy become normal, therefore the pay rise brings only temporary happiness, secondly, the pressures felt from social comparison changes, as the material ‘things’ stack up and social status improves so too does our idea of what would bring us happiness.

Emotional Wellness

I feel lucky and blessed that I have so many great things in my life, isn’t it ungrateful of me to feel down, stress, or complain about the challenges?

Emotional wellness isn’t about feeling positive emotion all the time. In fact, having negative feelings and not expressing them appropriately can impact our health.

As incidence of burn out, autoimmune disease, and stress related conditions increase (particularly for women) a link has been found between unexpressed negative emotion, including anger, and disease, even mortality.

It has been found that MS, for example, develops in people who are “overconscientious, hyper-responsible, and emotionally stoic about their own needs”, often having experienced childhood stress, and later stressors such as work, family and relationship crisis.

It has also been found that “suppressed anger can be a precursor to the development of cancer, and also a factor in its progression after diagnosis”.

And, one research paper concluded: “Our principal finding was a significant association between the diagnosis of breast cancer and a behaviour pattern, persisting throughout adult life, of abnormal release of emotions. This abnormality was, in most cases, extreme suppression of anger and, in patients over 40, extreme suppression of other feelings.”

Occupational Wellness (work, business, career)

I already work really hard at my job, should I get another qualification to improve my chances of success?

Writer Tara Mohr explores the belief that women feel that if they work a bit harder their work will be noticed and if they get another qualification, they will be more knowledgeable and therefore more successful. Women are industrious; studies show that women do better in school, in the workplace they over prepare compared to men and more women than men complete master’s degrees, (as of 2012) women made up 60% of master’s degrees in the US, and similar in Europe.

Women assume we live in a meritocratic society and will be rewarded for hard work, whereas the conventual model applies that success lies in networking and advocating for oneself. Mohr also describes studies that identify subtle biases in society showing that “women have to perform better than their male counterparts to be seen as performing equally”. Research also shows that “women incur social costs for advocating for themselves too strongly” but without this they are not seen as competent leaders.

Challenging our idea of normal can be liberating and can help to bring a sense of inner peace. It is important to question the status quo and to be mindful of how external expectations can limit us. By looking inward and embracing our uniqueness, our values, our own idea of success, we no longer need to look outward to what we think is expected of us by modelling the norm, this takes the overwhelm off the actions we think we 'should' do, improving our wellness and bringing more happiness.

How Coaching Inspired These Questions

These questions were inspired by the conversations I have had with my coaching clients. It is a privilege to witness someone go from overwhelm and guilt to empowered and happier.

How To Start Making This Change

The first step is to identify what norm you are struggling with, write this down, then do your research. The key here is to make sure your research is from a reputable source, for example an education institution, or a scientific publication, avoid believing everything you read in blogs (I can see the irony here) or news articles, check their sources and read the research first hand for yourself to draw your own conclusions.

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