In a loving relationship, love, intimacy, commitment, and passion are experienced differently—both by those in the relationship and across different relationships.
This Valentine’s Day, gift yourself and your loved one a date that strengthens your connection using the following steps:
Identify your current love situation.
Reflect on a component of love you’d like to build.
Design a date that meets both your needs and your partner’s need for feeling loved and connected.
Build your connection.
Step 1
Use Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love to explore how you experience love in your relationship. Do this with compassion and kindness. Consider plotting your current experience along one side of the triangle or within the triangle, reflecting on the level of intimacy, commitment, and passion you experience.
Step 2
Reflect on the following eight types of love to identify a component you’d like to build on. Approach this with kindness, compassion, and the mindset of taking small steps toward a deeper connection.
Non-love – Unable to plot along any of the intimacy, commitment, or passion components.
Liking – Intimacy only.
Infatuated love – Passion only.
Empty love – Commitment only.
Romantic love – Passion & intimacy.
Companionate love – Intimacy & commitment.
Fatuous love – Passion & commitment.
Consummate love – Passion, intimacy & commitment.
Step 3
Design a date that fulfils your needs for feeling loved and connected. Consider or discuss what aspects of the date will also meet your partner’s needs.
Key elements to consider:
Location – A place that holds meaning, brings joy, or feels special to both of you.
Activities – Something fun, engaging, or unique to your relationship.
Gifts – A thoughtful gesture that shows care and consideration.
Words – Written or spoken expressions of love, intimacy, passion, or commitment.
Step 4
Build opportunities into your date to better understand your partner’s perspective on your current love situation and to strengthen your connection.
Here are a few ideas:
To increase commitment:
Build security with a meaningful gesture that suits you both.
Explore mutual goals, activities, and dreams.
To deepen intimacy:
As the Gottman researchers suggest, ‘build your love map’ by using guided questions to rediscover each other.
Play a couple’s game designed for deeper emotional connection.
To enhance passion:
Use guided questions to explore ways to add more passion to your relationship.
Try a couple’s game designed to spark desire and excitement.
This article has explored one perspective on love. Whether this resonates with you or if you prefer love languages or love stories as your framework for understanding love, the key is to approach connection-building with curiosity, compassion, and communication.
There is no single ‘correct’ way to experience a loving relationship. However, in a healthy, adult, and consensual relationship, creating opportunities to strengthen your connection is always a worthwhile focus for any date.
How To Start Making a Change
Use the above steps to design you perfect date.
How Coaching Could Support You
Wellness and resilience coaching gives you the time and space to reflect on your experience and identify what you want, what you need, and what is holding you back. You will experience both an explorative and a practical strategies-building aspect, which will help you discover a path to becoming happier and healthier.
Find out more about coaching with me here.
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